Do I praise God in EVERYTHING? Regardless of the situation or if things aren't going my way? No. Things aren't going my way and I am mad. Mad at God? Pretty crazy. I always heard people say they were mad at God but could never understand it. How could you be mad at the One who gave you life and salvation and everything around you? But I am.
I want God to be in my laughing AND in my mourning.
Be with me as I hope, wait, dream, and wrestle.
I know that His ways are so much better and higher than my own. Why can't I embrace that?
I say, "If I pray and read the bible and am happy God will give me this."
God owes me nothing and I must not seek Him for what I can gain.
Oh that I may seek Him for Him and love of Him and desperation for Him.
To count everything else a loss.

I don't want this to be my fire but I guess we don't get to pick it. God is smart to choose this. It is the thing that means the most to me in life. I must throw it aside and run to my Creator. I want Him to be enough. But I don't know that He is right now. I don't know how I would handle tragedy in this. Would I worship and believe that His ways are perfect? Would I scream, bite, curse, and turn away?
Lord, increase my faith!

How many times did I say "I" in this post? Pretty ridiculous.
More of HIM and less of me!!!!!!!


But as for me, I trust in you, O Lord.
I say, "You are my God. My times are in your Hands."
Ps 31:14

2 comments:

Raquel said...

I understand how you are feeling. But don't be so hard on yourself. God knows your heart. He can see past how your feeling in the moment and see that in your heart you long to be everything that you just stated. He knows. dont worry
Its not just you we are both very busy. i nanny from 7 to 530 every tues and thurs and i work at jaspers fri sat sun mon and wed. Last monday was my first day off since school ended and I had to run errands all day like get my passport and stuff. Our only hope would prob be on a sunday night or something. I will text you my schedule .
hang in there

Suzanne said...

Katy Bug;

I understand the depth of your concern, but remember that God does work in mysterious ways, and because of your Faith, will always bring out the best in you. Remember, He will test you but never tempt you.

Your loving father,

Dad